What Do I Want?
It’s Saturday at 12:45 am pacific standard time. This week was tough. I returned last week from my 23 days in Central America and am trying to wrap my head around being back to reality. I am turning 27 in five weeks. What do I want?
I learned so much on this trip, just like I do each year I go abroad which is why I do it. It expands my mind in ways that nothing else can. This year was different than my previous big trips. I took a risk taking a month off during a fragile time at work because I needed to get away. Get away from what? When I take a step back and look at where I am I couldn’t have dreamed this life up. However I always want more!
I had the perfect life in the Hamptons. I had a dream job, great co-workers, a boyfriend who fit me, the coziest apartment with my own rooftop, family close by, friends who supported me and I was so comfortable in my environment. Not to mention I lived five minutes away from some of the most beautiful beaches in the country. But something inside of me was screaming. I felt my gut trying to jump out of my body and fly to the west coast. So I woke up one morning and decided to finally listen.
So here I am, 15 months later. Lounging on my super steal of a couch I found on Craigslist, marathoning Girls and enjoying some time alone in my million dollar San Francisco rental. I’m reflecting on 2015 and manifesting for the year ahead. I always feel like I’m not doing enough, so I decided to make a list of all of my accomplishments and obstacles I overcame in the previous year.
Firstly I have to acknowledge that I was mourning my best friend’s death for the entire year. My college roommate Brittany died three weeks after I moved to California on November 14, 2014.
I wrote this back in May, “Denial. My body refuses to accept Brittany’s death. Sometimes I think I just shut off or black out days at a time so I don’t have to face it. I feel like everyone expects me to be over it. It rocked my entire existence at a time when my existence was dangling off a ledge. My emotions are a roller coaster. The stress of everything takes over me even though I try so hard to manage it. Balance is key, and slowing down. I will slow down.”
It’s amazing how far I have come, and that somehow although it seems impossible our lives move on and we learn to live with loss. Last month in Guatemala I finally wrapped my head around her death and accepted it. I am no longer a victim. This didn’t happen to me. This is life. Her spirit is everywhere and we are closer to eachother now than we’ve ever been and I’ve learned how to connect with her. I feel her in every rose I see.
Although I was greiving the world continued to spin. I traveled to three new countries in 2015; Aruba, Nicaragua and Guatemala. Traveled to New York four times, Florida twice, San Diego, Cancun, Lake Tahoe, and got a new state in, Texas (Austin). I went to five amazing festivals! My sister got engaged, my sister in-law is expecting my second niece/nephew! My parents separated. The company I work for went public. I joined a band and started my own! I sang at two weddings! I wrote and sang on my first electronic track. I performed multiple times on stage. Oh and I also completed a one year nutrition program and am now a Certified Health Coach. Through all of my mourning I somehow grew exponentially. 2015 was the most transitional year of my life.
So here is the question. I’ve come this far.. but now wha?? Throughout my trip in Central America guitars were finding their way into my fingertips. My voice needed to sing, and it did. On my first night in Nicaragua I got to jam on the beach under a meteor shower with one of my favorite bands! (THE LOCAL NATIVES - they are freaking incredible if you don’t already know them). I spent time writing new music and had this massive realization.
The past few years I’ve been focusing on wellness because it is so important to me and to the planet. It is a true passion that I have developed. It is a healthy addiction that has started to cultivate since I became vegan almost five years ago. However singing has been my secret fantasy since I was a small child.
There is something engrained in my soul that is telling me I need to follow this. I need to perform and share my gift. Music is healing, it is another form of wellness. We did tons of chanting and sound meditations in Guatemala and it hit me how powerful music can be. I can be a healer and be a musician without making any sacrifices. It may seem like a pipe dream but I have no other choice.
I can keep asking myself, “what do I want” and try to find logical answers but the bottom line is deep down I know the truth. I need to believe that I can do this. I need to express myself, share my story, and sing my beating heart out just because. So this moment I am releasing all doubt. I am holding myself accountable. I am going to prove that anything is possible with intention. I will be singing at festivals, at weddings, in the middle of the ocean on a yacht in the Medditeranean Sea and anywhere else I want to. I don’t know how but I know that I will meet the people I need to meet at the right places at the perfect time and it will somehow all fall into place.
I hope you feel inspired. To follow your gut and trust that human intuition is more powerful than any advice or conditioning we’ve been given. Thank you for reading, would love to hear your thoughts as well.